microwave chocolate cake

I just had to post this recipe that my mom found online (on a knitting blog, actually). We tried it today, and it was fabulous. I made some for Nate tonight, substituting peanut butter chips for chocolate chips, and he loved it so much that he asked me to make it for his birthday next week. Here is the recipe:

Microwave Chocolate Cake

4 Tbsp flour

4 Tbsp sugar

2 Tbsp cocoa powder

1 egg

3 Tbsp milk

3 Tbsp oil

splash of vanilla

3 Tbsp chocolate chips (optional)

1 microwave safe mug

Add dry ingredients to mug and mix together. Add egg and mix. Add oil and milk and mix. Add vanilla and chocolate chips (if using) and mix. Place mug in microwave and microwave for 3 minutes. Cake may rise over top of mug, but that's normal- it won't spill over unless you used a teeny mug. Let cool- mug and cake will be very hot. Eat straight from mug, or tip over into bowl and serve with ice cream, whipped cream, chocolate syrup, or whatever suits your fancy.

Learning to accept

I've been thinking about posting for a while, but just didn't know what to say. At first, I was too upset and didn't think it would be a good idea for me to write anything in here, but I think I am finally to the point where I can write about this. It's strange how I started this blog solely for the purpose of recording our adventures in Mexico, and how it has turned into a place for me to vent about my Dad's battle with cancer. I guess I don't really have the energy to even be frustrated and vent about it anymore.

My dad's still hanging in there, but not for much longer. A month ago, he ended up back in the hospital in severe pain, and initially the thought was he would have to have surgery again because of the intestinal blockage caused by tumors. But it was much worse than that- a scan revealed that not only had the tumors grown enough to cause more blockage, but the cancer had spread like wildfire all over the place and there was nothing left to do. He was given a few weeks left to live. Honestly, when I went to see him in the hospital, I thought that a few weeks was being optimistic, I wasn't sure if he would last a week or even make it out of the hospital when I saw how much pain he was in. But he did make it home after a couple days, and seemed to improve rapidly after that, thanks in part to constant administration of pain and anti-nausea medications. Hospice began coming to the house as soon as he returned home, and we were forced to deal with the reality of the situation as he began getting his affairs in order and planning his funeral and burial. And then a couple weeks later, he ended up in the hospital again because of excessive vomiting and he wasn't unable to keep any of his pain meds down, so now he has a g-tube as a means of relieving pressure and drain things to prevent further trips to the hospital, and he can receive pain meds through his chemo port as well. And because of the blockage, he's on a strict liquid diet, but struggles to get enough nutrition. He's losing about a pound a day and getting weaker and weaker. It's strange to think how his organs are super healthy, but the cancer is destroying his ability to function, and eventually the tumors will cut off a vital system. That could be in weeks or days, you can't really plan these things. His body is quickly wearing out and I think he's ready to be done with this life. I thought we would have more time- the prognosis with treatment was 2 years after diagnosis, but it was even more aggressive than we expected. There never really was any hope for a cure, only prolonging the inevitable. To quote Lord of the Rings, there was "only ever a fool's hope" except in this story, Sauron (cancer) wins.

I was really mad at first and felt like our family was being bullied. I still feel like my Dad is being bullied because, well, that's what cancer does to your body. It's a nasty old bastard. However, I'm coming to accept the inevitable. I am sad and scared, but I am learning that there are many things beyond our control, no matter how hard we fight against them. Our bodies are very imperfect, and death is just as much a part of life as birth is. I'm grateful to have been able to have had an amazing dad for nearly 30 years, and as painful as the outcome will be, I know it will only be a temporary separation, although it will feel long while the rest of us are left behind.

Time for a boy!

We went in on Thursday for my 18 week ultrasound and found out we're having a little boy! And this time went much quicker and I didn't have to drink a ridiculous amount and have a full bladder when I went in. (I am convinced that last time they just wanted to torture me, as it didn't help at all and they made me jump up and down with a full bladder to get Madelynn to turn so they could finish measuring.) So if you want to have a horribly uncomfortable ultrasound, go to Good Samaritin Hospital in Portland, but if you want to have a quick, fabulous, easy one, go to Pacific Women's Center in Eugene. Madelynn was fascinated with the whole thing, although she got scared at first because she thought she was getting shots. However, once she saw me lie down on the table, she was fine and would hold my hand some of the time. When they put the goo on my belly for the ultrasound, that scared her a little bit, so we told her it was kind of like soap, so she is now going around talking all about "mama soap belly" all the time now. And her baby brother. I don't think she knows what a baby brother is yet, but she talks about it all the time.
So we have decided to name him Ian Lane Garrett. Ian because we like the name (plus Ian McShane is awesome) and Lane after Nate's oldest brother & Dad's middle name. And of course because I am a girl, I am totally excited about getting him clothes. I gotta say- girls clothes are really funy to shop for because they are so stinking cute with all of the frillies and bows and hearts, but I actually prefer the colors of the baby boy clothes- the greens, blues, browns and oranges. I am SO glad that I bought a lot of neutral colored outfits with Madelynn so I don't have to get an entire new wardrobe, and we bought all of our gear in neutral colors, too.
Another not so pleasant discovery is that I have early placenta previa. I don't know exactly how low-lying the placenta is at the moment, the doctor didn't specify, but he didn't seem terribly concerned and said that more than likely as the baby grows, the placenta will naturally migrate upwards and I should be okay. However, if it doesn't, I will have to have a c-section. So of course, I go home and do more research about placenta previa and although it was reassuring to know that in most cases where the placenta is low during the 18-20 week ultrasound, it generally moves up far enough for a natural delivery, but that if it doesn't, it can cause bleeding and the c-section has to be done about 37 weeks to decrease the likelihood of spontaneous labor, which could lead to severe hemmhoraging, and with a c-section, there is a possibility of heavy bleeding and a need for a lot of blood transfusions because after the pitocin is given to help the uterus contract and the placenta delivered, then because of the location of the uterus, the uterus can't contract as effectively, hence the higher likelihood of excessive bleeding. And I have issues with seeing or talking about blood, so that makes me want to pass out just thinking about it. Odds are that everything will be fine, but still, I am a little bit worried and hope that the next ultrasound around 26 weeks shows things are fine. I had a dream last night that I had to have a c-section and everything was fine, but I was in extreme pain from the incision and had a hard time holding the baby. Well, let's just hope that things go well and I won't need another scar to add to the teeth marks on my stomach from when a dog attacked me when I was younger. This baby's got a lot bigger to grow, so I've got a lot of room for things to move up where they're supposed to!
I expect around week 32 I will turn into a baluga whale and fortuntely at that time, I will already be on summer break from work, so I can spend my days eating popsicles and sitting in Madelynn's kiddy pool. That child is going to get to spend a lot of time in her kiddy pool this year. Or else we'll have to buy another one, so Madelynn can have her own, because by that time, I don't think she'll fit in the pool if I'm in it! I am really looking forward to summer- no work, watermelon, popsicles, barbeque, swimming pools, and raiding Nate's basketball shorts after I outgrow all of my maternity clothes. Oh yeah, and I won't have to wear socks and get weird lines in my ankles after they swell. They'll be smooth swollen ankles =) This baby is one of the few positive things right now in my family, so I am desperate for things to go well and to have a healthy baby boy. This pregnancy really has been a blessing, even though at times it's not so fun. I have been so much healthier this time around and it's been much easier than when I was pregnant with Madelynn so far. And we are all so excited for this baby; although I do have some fears about being peed all over on a regular basis, in addition to the guaranteed blowouts that are oh-so-fun when they happen in the middle of Sunday School every single week.......
Before I end this, I thought I would include something rather exciting (or, rather exciting in the eyes of any parent with a toddler who is attempting to potty train.) Madelynn is no longer afraid of her potty chair, and wants to sit on it all the time. She actually peed in it about a week ago! Hasn't done a repeat, but we're getting optimistic that we could have her fully potty trained before baby brother gets here! All it took was checking out the video "Potty Power!" from the library, and after she watched it once, she was suddenly obsessed with the potty and wants to 'go potty' all the time. Yay for potty!

Book of Mormon comes to Broadway

So, apparently the Book of Mormon is coming to Broadway. And who better to write and direct it than the creators of South Park? (Who also made the movie Orgasmo about a Mormon recruited to act in porn movies.) When my Dad emailed me the post, I at first thought, oh, how strange, they decided to turn The Work and The Glory into a Broadway musical. Nope. Not quite sure how I feel about this- mostly just that it's really bizarre. Here is the link: http://broadwayworld.com/article/Plot_Details_Revealed_for_BOOK_OF_MORMON_Dahmer_Cameo_More_20110120

I'm still here!

Family photo in Yachats, OR, Aug 2010

Madelynn playing Just Dance 2 with Daddy and Uncle Daniel

Madelynn's 2nd birthday. Look at Daddy's pink eye!

Madelynn with Grandma and Grandpa on her 2nd birthday

Wow, I didn't realize that it had been that long since I wrote my last blog post. And I'm still trying to figure out how this whole blog thing works anyway (obviously, I haven't been trying very hard.)

So, where do I begin... since the last post, quite a few things have happened. The biggest one is that Madelynn is going to be a big sister! I'm 10 1/2 weels and due August 13. And a couple weeks ago, I found out that another SLP I work with is due with her first 6 days after I am!

This time around, pregnancy has been much kinder to me. I didn't realize how difficult my pregnancy with Madelynn was until now. This pregnancy certainly hasn't been a walk in the park so far- I'm pretty much constantly nauseous (but have only thrown up once so far!) and I've had to use a fair amount of sick leave the past few weeks, but the severity of the nausea and being tired isn't quite as bad. The tired thing is probably because I'm already tired anyway working and chasing a 2 year old around, so I'm used to it! I'm inclined to think that this baby is a boy, but Nate thinks it's a girl, so I guess we'll see- we should find out some time in March, probably.

Madelynn turned two on January 3rd, and we had a small family party for her that evening. My dad was supposed to start another round of chemo that same day, and we weren't sure if he'd be able to make it over, but his white blood cell count was too low so it was postponed for another week. So, he was able to come over and spend time with Madelynn for her birthday. Madelynn had a great birthday, and had a lot of fun opening presents! This year was great, because she actually understood what was going on. She has been obsessed with birthdays- my dad and brother both had birthdays at the end of November and middle of December, so she knew all about what was going on when it was her turn to have a birthday! She loves singing the "Happy Birthday" song and now she thinks that cupcakes mean it's somebody's birthday. She'll go around saying "It's a happy birthday!"

We thought we had things nearly finalized with the short sale of the condo, but it fell through once the inspection revealed an insane amount of dry rot and termite damage underneath the place, which was also causing the deck to pull away from the house and the floorboards to warp. And, the drainspout was installed incorrectly, so water has just been pouring in under the building for who knows how long. I'm pretty upset about this- there's no way this just happened in the past 4 years since I bought the place, but my home inspection seemed to not mention it at all. I doubt the inspector even looked. I wouldn't have bought the place, either, if I had known about all of the problems. It's an HOA issue, so they're now going to have their hands full figuring out how to fix that, because it affects all of the units in the building. So now the place is pretty much unsellable. Hello, foreclosure. I guess I'll get to join that club soon. The one positive in this whole mess is that the place is only in my name since I bought it when I was single, so only my credit will be ruined and Nate's will be fine.

My dad's first course of chemo proved to be ineffective. After two months of chemotherapy every two weeks, a CT scan revealed that the cancer was still exactly where it had been before, and a couple spots were slightly larger. So, he's now on a new course of treatment, which has more severe side effects and generally isn't as effective for most people. I just keep hoping that the bad side effects he's having with the increased nausea, high blood pressure and hair loss also means that it's killing cancer cells, too. We commiserate together about our nausea and food aversions, and we both wear sea bands most of the time for our nausea. But it's definitely easier for me, because I know mine won't last for much longer and has an outcome that makes all of the ickiness worth it. With him, we don't know the outcome, so it's hard to be positive and feel that all of the side effects are worth it.

My cousin's 2 1/2 year old daughter was recently diagnosed with stage 4 cancer as well about a month ago. She's the youngest of 4, and her mother is expecting again in the summer. It's been a really big blow to the family, who has already been having a hard time dealing with my dad's diagnosis, and then to have this sweet, innocent little girl given such a terrible diagnosis as well has been pretty awful. She has neuroblastoma, and it's spread throughout her legs, hips and all the way to her face. It's neuroblastoma, which is a common form of childhood cancer, but right now, her odds are 50% and it is just so hard to be positive. She's only a few months older than Madelynn, and it just makes me sick to think of how much pain this little girl is having to go through and how hard this is for her parents and the rest of the family. Cancer is just one big mean ol' bastard that deserves to have the sh#* beat out of it. I picture it as this giant black blob with fangs and red eyes that I want to blast with a flame thrower.

I always hoped that I would be one of those people who got to go through life relatively unaffected by cancer or other terrible diseases, but have come to realize that this terrible disease is so much more prevalent than I ever imagined, and virtually everyone is going to be affected by it at some point during their lifetime. It's like the bubonic plague of our time.

Well I don't want to end this post on a depressing note, so I will add one more positive. Nate is planning on graduating this Spring, hurray! Nate is looking forward to being done with classes, and so am I! When you're a student, you never get a break, and he's been in school for a long time- he deserves to be able to come home and relax, rather than read and write papers and take mindless quizzes.

Welcome Fall

I haven't posted for a while. Frankly, I haven't felt like it for the past while, trying to get over the initial shock and deal with everything. But, I've come to accept things for what they are, at least somewhat. It helps that my dad is doing so much better than the last time I posted. However, the cancer has spread, so he will probably start chemo next week. We don't know what to expect. All we can do is hope for the best and be thankful for each day. On a more positive note, my mom is recovering from her surgery surprisingly well. She had her gallbladder removed last week, and was home a few hours later. When I went over to visit that evening, you'd hardly believe that she had just had surgery that morning. She hasn't been watching Madelynn this week, though, so she can recover, plus she isn't supposed to lift more than 10 pounds this week, and then can add 5 pounds every week for the next while. Fortunately, we've had a lot of volunteers helping to watch Madelynn this week which has been a real blessing.
I went back to work a month ago. It's been a really good year so far, I am really enjoying my assignment. I've got the coolest students to work with and I get a kick out of working with them. They're a lot of fun- I really enjoy working with the middle and high school population. I'm amazed that I can manage to do my caseload of 53 students in 3.5 days and not feel overwhelmed. Perhaps I have mastered the art of time management. Yeah, whatever- if that were true, my house would be spotless, all of my projects I've been wanting to do at home would be done, and I would be fluent in Spanish, German, and ASL. And I wouldn't be scrambling to get out the door in the morning. I don't think I will ever enjoy getting up early in the morning. Why can't the world run on Emily time? Getting up before the sun is out is sick and wrong. And chilly. And each morning just gets a little bit darker. And 7:45 am meetings are wrong, too. I had one last week, and I was so out of it that I couldn't hardly remember where I was. In fact, I actually started driving the wrong way to work and realized it when I was almost to the U of O campus, but somehow still managed to get to the IEP meeting on time, though highly functional I was not. Didn't help that the parents were razzing me about not saying much; they should have just been glad I didn't face plant on the table and start drooling.
Oh yeah, and Nate made chocolate chip cookies tonight. Delicious. I've lost count of how many I ate, although Madelynn did help me. What a great helper.

My Dad

The past few days have been the worst days any of us have ever experienced in my family. A few weeks ago, my dad started having some digestive problems that he thought was food poisoning, but it just never seemed to quite go away. The past week, the abdominal cramping got much worst- so bad, that he was passing out from all of the pain. He ended up in urgent care and was given pain meds and an antibiotic, thinking it was an infection. A few days later, he ended up in the emergency room and was hooked up to an IV for pain meds. The next day (Friday) he went in for a CAT scan, and just a few hours later, was notified that there was a blockage in his small intestine as well as swelling, his large intestine had collapsed and he had some swollen lymph nodes and to go to the hospital. He was admitted and told that he would most likely need surgery the next day to remove the blockage and see what it was, and that there was a possibility that it was cancer. He was also given a really nasty, painful procedure where they inserted a tube through his nose, down his throat and into his stomach to suction up everything that was being blocked.
Yesterday morning, he went in for surgery and was in there for about 2 1/2 hours. When it was done, my mom, who was at the hospital by herself waiting, was informed that he had cancer and it was advanced. I don't know exactly what the name of the cancer is at the moment, but whatever it is, it is impossible to catch and treat early because of it's location and the nature of its course. And even worse, even with chemo, apparently they can never fully get rid of all of the cancer and go into remission. So things look really grim. Once he's healed from surgery, they will start doing chemo.
I have never been so terrified in my entire life. I never thought this could possibly happen, and it's not fair that it's happening to my Dad. He's already gone through so much with all of his other illnesses and surgeries, why can't enough just be enough? It's just not fair that my children will probably never get to have real grandfathers (Nate's Dad died of cancer 7 years ago), Nate just doesn't seem to get to have a father figure in his life because they all die- his only uncle on his mom's side, his grandfather, his dad, and now it looks like my Dad will be taken from him, too, in a matter of time, unless we get the biggest miracle we've ever had. I just don't know if God has one in store for him. We've had lots of little miracles lately- Dad was supposed to be in San Diego right now, but the flight was cancelled due to fog in San Francisco where the connecting flight was, and he couldn't get another flight until the next morning, which he didn't make because of ending up in the emergency room. Also, Nate, Madelynn and I were still supposed to be in Mexico- me until the end of August and Nate until September 4, but because we got so sick the first week in Mexico, we chose to come home six weeks early and Nate just did the first six-week session. We were also originally wanting to move back into the SC 4th ward back when we knew we would be in Mexico, but when we returned, the place we ended up getting is only 5 blocks from my parents'.
I am so scared and I don't know what the future holds. I just can't believe that this is happening. I keep hoping that the doctors will have made a mistake or it's not as bad as it looks, or my Dad will respond well to treatment and will be the small percentage that is cured. Even if it could be treated and just kept at bay for a long time so he can be with us for as long as possible and see his grandkids come into the world and be there so they can remember him.