Can't sleep. Clowns will eat me.

I should add some more pictures to my blog posts. But it's more complicated now because it's pretty impossible for me to reach the USB ports to upload that are now located at the back of the computer after getting a new motherboard and graphics card and I don't know what else... anyway, my belly is too humongous for me to reach back there. I have some amazingly adorable new photos of Madelynn that will have to wait until I'm a bit less round for posting.

So I really can't sleep right now because it's too uncomfortable and I also can't get this one song from Pete's dragon out of my head. It's been stuck in there since yesterday- it's the first one where Pete's hiding in a tree and the Gogans are out looking for him and singing. My personal favorite line from it is "Roast him gently so the flames don't hurt." And I cannot get it out of my head. It's really annoying. And then I have to pee every 15 minutes and it hurts to move and I get severe pain shooting through my legs when I walk. I think baby's head is pressing on my sciatic nerve. I'm in my 39th week and trying to remember what my feet look like. This pregnancy has been a lot easier than with Madelynn- I didn't get nearly as sick this time around, but boy it sure hurts a heck of a lot more. Which means when I go into labor that it will either be no big deal because I've been having all sorts of pain and discomfort for the past while that I'll be used to it or I will be so worn down from it that I'll just pass out. I actually had a totally pain free labor and delivery with Madelynn, thanks to two months solid of contractions and being used to them and an amazing epidural before having my water broken, but I'm not so sure I can count on that this time. I'm pretty sure the only people who are even reading this blog are women, so I feel I can share. I sometimes forget that not everyone knows about all the little things that go along with having a baby, like pregnancy terms, as I was reminded of when my sister's boyfriend asked me what a contraction actually was the other day. And then it makes me wonder if when I talk preggo-lingo in front of my brothers if they actually have any idea of what I am talking about.

I was planning on starting a blog this summer specifically for SLPs where I could post therapy ideas and worksheets and materials recommendations, but so far it has only resulted in a lunch discussion with one of my brothers who will help me set it up and host it for me. Not really in a very creative/productive place right now. My days right now consist of staying in bed as late as possible until it either hurts to much or until Madelynn wakes up and comes in to greet me, then sitting in the living room half out of it while Madelynn eats her breakfast and watches as many shows as I can get her to watch before she gets bored and wants to go do something (She's not one to sit in front of the tv for hours) and then I'll either have her take a bath with me or sneak a shower in while she's watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and eating cheerios, and then we head over to my parents for a few hours while she follows Grandma around or has tea parties with Grandpa who's confined to bed now, while I will either sit up with my Dad, lie on the couch and groan everytime I move, or try to be useful and do something to help out around the house (although the latter is becoming much less frequent.) Then once she starts getting tired, I take her home and we take a 2+ hour nap, and by the time we wake up, it's getting close to dinner time and I'll either make dinner, or if I hurt too bad, Nate will come home from work and make dinner. Amazingly, somehow our house has managed to stay pretty clean and organized. I find that if you just don't let it get too bad in the first place, it's not that difficult to put things away quickly and just wiping down a counter here or sweeping up really quickly on a regular basis is not very time-consuming or overwhelming. And it helps when both spouses are helping to keep things presentable. Nate's work schedule has been fabulous, too, because he often will only work 2-3 days in a row, then have 1-2 days in a row off, so that helps break things up. We have a lot more fun when he's got the day off. It's a lot easier to go fun places, like having picnics in the park or taking Madelynn other fun places because I don't have to be the one responsible for picking her up or chasing her around constantly and can relax a lot more.

I am starting to get really nervous about this baby being born. It is down to days now before my due date, and it's starting to hit me that we are about to have another child and I will be holding him soon, but the timing of things is kind of scary. The longer it takes him to get here, the more my Dad deteriorates. My dad is already showing the signs that his time here is coming to a close, with the discoloration of the skin and the extremities and the changing of skin texture, but for some reason, his body just keeps working, but it can't last much longer. I desperately want my Dad to be able to see his grandson in the flesh, but I don't want him to be so far gone that he doesn't recognize what is going on, and I fear we are starting to get close to that point. I wonder if he does make it until Ian is born if he will last long enough for us to get out of the hospital and bring him over for him to see him, or if he won't even make it until then, or if Ian's birth will ultimately be that last thing that is keeping him here and then he will let go. Everything just seems so messed up.

Finally a date!

Nate and I were finally able to go on a date last night, thanks to a fabulous birthday present (for Nate) from my sister, Joanna. I think our last date was in March for our anniversary. And this date was amazing- and FREE!!!! I think the best present you can give parents is a date night. Joanna babysat Madelynn while we we went out, and had some of her friends come over to our place as well, which was great, because Madelynn pretty much thought she was having a party and that everyone had come over just to hang out with her. We had dinner at Chili's paid for (another gift from Joanna) and free tickets to Harry Potter in IMAX 3D (it helps having a sister who works at the movie theatre and can get free tickets.) Oh yes, and then to top it off, we also got free frozen yogurt, because on of my cousins happens to work at the new frozen yogurt place next to the theatre and hooked us up. So yeah, awesome night and completely FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am completely worn out today, though, because doing anything when you are 9 months pregnant wears you out. Taking a shower makes me tired.

Speaking of being pregnant, little Ian has been very cooperative and I am now free of activity restrictions (other than the "duh" ones, like roller coasters and cliff diving). As of yesterday, I am 75% effaced but haven't started dilating yet. I want this baby out now, even though I still have another 3 1/2 weeks to go before my due date. Now it's a race to get this baby here so my Dad can see him. His goal is to make it long enough to see the baby, but I get nervous that time will run out. He's pretty much confined to bed now, and only gets up briefly to use the bathroom with the help of my mom. (Trying to do it on his own tends to result in him falling and hitting his head). He sleeps most of the time now, too. It's a strange thing both looking forward to the future with a new baby and also completely dreading it as well, because I know what else it means.

microwave chocolate cake

I just had to post this recipe that my mom found online (on a knitting blog, actually). We tried it today, and it was fabulous. I made some for Nate tonight, substituting peanut butter chips for chocolate chips, and he loved it so much that he asked me to make it for his birthday next week. Here is the recipe:

Microwave Chocolate Cake

4 Tbsp flour

4 Tbsp sugar

2 Tbsp cocoa powder

1 egg

3 Tbsp milk

3 Tbsp oil

splash of vanilla

3 Tbsp chocolate chips (optional)

1 microwave safe mug

Add dry ingredients to mug and mix together. Add egg and mix. Add oil and milk and mix. Add vanilla and chocolate chips (if using) and mix. Place mug in microwave and microwave for 3 minutes. Cake may rise over top of mug, but that's normal- it won't spill over unless you used a teeny mug. Let cool- mug and cake will be very hot. Eat straight from mug, or tip over into bowl and serve with ice cream, whipped cream, chocolate syrup, or whatever suits your fancy.

Learning to accept

I've been thinking about posting for a while, but just didn't know what to say. At first, I was too upset and didn't think it would be a good idea for me to write anything in here, but I think I am finally to the point where I can write about this. It's strange how I started this blog solely for the purpose of recording our adventures in Mexico, and how it has turned into a place for me to vent about my Dad's battle with cancer. I guess I don't really have the energy to even be frustrated and vent about it anymore.

My dad's still hanging in there, but not for much longer. A month ago, he ended up back in the hospital in severe pain, and initially the thought was he would have to have surgery again because of the intestinal blockage caused by tumors. But it was much worse than that- a scan revealed that not only had the tumors grown enough to cause more blockage, but the cancer had spread like wildfire all over the place and there was nothing left to do. He was given a few weeks left to live. Honestly, when I went to see him in the hospital, I thought that a few weeks was being optimistic, I wasn't sure if he would last a week or even make it out of the hospital when I saw how much pain he was in. But he did make it home after a couple days, and seemed to improve rapidly after that, thanks in part to constant administration of pain and anti-nausea medications. Hospice began coming to the house as soon as he returned home, and we were forced to deal with the reality of the situation as he began getting his affairs in order and planning his funeral and burial. And then a couple weeks later, he ended up in the hospital again because of excessive vomiting and he wasn't unable to keep any of his pain meds down, so now he has a g-tube as a means of relieving pressure and drain things to prevent further trips to the hospital, and he can receive pain meds through his chemo port as well. And because of the blockage, he's on a strict liquid diet, but struggles to get enough nutrition. He's losing about a pound a day and getting weaker and weaker. It's strange to think how his organs are super healthy, but the cancer is destroying his ability to function, and eventually the tumors will cut off a vital system. That could be in weeks or days, you can't really plan these things. His body is quickly wearing out and I think he's ready to be done with this life. I thought we would have more time- the prognosis with treatment was 2 years after diagnosis, but it was even more aggressive than we expected. There never really was any hope for a cure, only prolonging the inevitable. To quote Lord of the Rings, there was "only ever a fool's hope" except in this story, Sauron (cancer) wins.

I was really mad at first and felt like our family was being bullied. I still feel like my Dad is being bullied because, well, that's what cancer does to your body. It's a nasty old bastard. However, I'm coming to accept the inevitable. I am sad and scared, but I am learning that there are many things beyond our control, no matter how hard we fight against them. Our bodies are very imperfect, and death is just as much a part of life as birth is. I'm grateful to have been able to have had an amazing dad for nearly 30 years, and as painful as the outcome will be, I know it will only be a temporary separation, although it will feel long while the rest of us are left behind.

Time for a boy!

We went in on Thursday for my 18 week ultrasound and found out we're having a little boy! And this time went much quicker and I didn't have to drink a ridiculous amount and have a full bladder when I went in. (I am convinced that last time they just wanted to torture me, as it didn't help at all and they made me jump up and down with a full bladder to get Madelynn to turn so they could finish measuring.) So if you want to have a horribly uncomfortable ultrasound, go to Good Samaritin Hospital in Portland, but if you want to have a quick, fabulous, easy one, go to Pacific Women's Center in Eugene. Madelynn was fascinated with the whole thing, although she got scared at first because she thought she was getting shots. However, once she saw me lie down on the table, she was fine and would hold my hand some of the time. When they put the goo on my belly for the ultrasound, that scared her a little bit, so we told her it was kind of like soap, so she is now going around talking all about "mama soap belly" all the time now. And her baby brother. I don't think she knows what a baby brother is yet, but she talks about it all the time.
So we have decided to name him Ian Lane Garrett. Ian because we like the name (plus Ian McShane is awesome) and Lane after Nate's oldest brother & Dad's middle name. And of course because I am a girl, I am totally excited about getting him clothes. I gotta say- girls clothes are really funy to shop for because they are so stinking cute with all of the frillies and bows and hearts, but I actually prefer the colors of the baby boy clothes- the greens, blues, browns and oranges. I am SO glad that I bought a lot of neutral colored outfits with Madelynn so I don't have to get an entire new wardrobe, and we bought all of our gear in neutral colors, too.
Another not so pleasant discovery is that I have early placenta previa. I don't know exactly how low-lying the placenta is at the moment, the doctor didn't specify, but he didn't seem terribly concerned and said that more than likely as the baby grows, the placenta will naturally migrate upwards and I should be okay. However, if it doesn't, I will have to have a c-section. So of course, I go home and do more research about placenta previa and although it was reassuring to know that in most cases where the placenta is low during the 18-20 week ultrasound, it generally moves up far enough for a natural delivery, but that if it doesn't, it can cause bleeding and the c-section has to be done about 37 weeks to decrease the likelihood of spontaneous labor, which could lead to severe hemmhoraging, and with a c-section, there is a possibility of heavy bleeding and a need for a lot of blood transfusions because after the pitocin is given to help the uterus contract and the placenta delivered, then because of the location of the uterus, the uterus can't contract as effectively, hence the higher likelihood of excessive bleeding. And I have issues with seeing or talking about blood, so that makes me want to pass out just thinking about it. Odds are that everything will be fine, but still, I am a little bit worried and hope that the next ultrasound around 26 weeks shows things are fine. I had a dream last night that I had to have a c-section and everything was fine, but I was in extreme pain from the incision and had a hard time holding the baby. Well, let's just hope that things go well and I won't need another scar to add to the teeth marks on my stomach from when a dog attacked me when I was younger. This baby's got a lot bigger to grow, so I've got a lot of room for things to move up where they're supposed to!
I expect around week 32 I will turn into a baluga whale and fortuntely at that time, I will already be on summer break from work, so I can spend my days eating popsicles and sitting in Madelynn's kiddy pool. That child is going to get to spend a lot of time in her kiddy pool this year. Or else we'll have to buy another one, so Madelynn can have her own, because by that time, I don't think she'll fit in the pool if I'm in it! I am really looking forward to summer- no work, watermelon, popsicles, barbeque, swimming pools, and raiding Nate's basketball shorts after I outgrow all of my maternity clothes. Oh yeah, and I won't have to wear socks and get weird lines in my ankles after they swell. They'll be smooth swollen ankles =) This baby is one of the few positive things right now in my family, so I am desperate for things to go well and to have a healthy baby boy. This pregnancy really has been a blessing, even though at times it's not so fun. I have been so much healthier this time around and it's been much easier than when I was pregnant with Madelynn so far. And we are all so excited for this baby; although I do have some fears about being peed all over on a regular basis, in addition to the guaranteed blowouts that are oh-so-fun when they happen in the middle of Sunday School every single week.......
Before I end this, I thought I would include something rather exciting (or, rather exciting in the eyes of any parent with a toddler who is attempting to potty train.) Madelynn is no longer afraid of her potty chair, and wants to sit on it all the time. She actually peed in it about a week ago! Hasn't done a repeat, but we're getting optimistic that we could have her fully potty trained before baby brother gets here! All it took was checking out the video "Potty Power!" from the library, and after she watched it once, she was suddenly obsessed with the potty and wants to 'go potty' all the time. Yay for potty!

Book of Mormon comes to Broadway

So, apparently the Book of Mormon is coming to Broadway. And who better to write and direct it than the creators of South Park? (Who also made the movie Orgasmo about a Mormon recruited to act in porn movies.) When my Dad emailed me the post, I at first thought, oh, how strange, they decided to turn The Work and The Glory into a Broadway musical. Nope. Not quite sure how I feel about this- mostly just that it's really bizarre. Here is the link: http://broadwayworld.com/article/Plot_Details_Revealed_for_BOOK_OF_MORMON_Dahmer_Cameo_More_20110120

I'm still here!

Family photo in Yachats, OR, Aug 2010

Madelynn playing Just Dance 2 with Daddy and Uncle Daniel

Madelynn's 2nd birthday. Look at Daddy's pink eye!

Madelynn with Grandma and Grandpa on her 2nd birthday

Wow, I didn't realize that it had been that long since I wrote my last blog post. And I'm still trying to figure out how this whole blog thing works anyway (obviously, I haven't been trying very hard.)

So, where do I begin... since the last post, quite a few things have happened. The biggest one is that Madelynn is going to be a big sister! I'm 10 1/2 weels and due August 13. And a couple weeks ago, I found out that another SLP I work with is due with her first 6 days after I am!

This time around, pregnancy has been much kinder to me. I didn't realize how difficult my pregnancy with Madelynn was until now. This pregnancy certainly hasn't been a walk in the park so far- I'm pretty much constantly nauseous (but have only thrown up once so far!) and I've had to use a fair amount of sick leave the past few weeks, but the severity of the nausea and being tired isn't quite as bad. The tired thing is probably because I'm already tired anyway working and chasing a 2 year old around, so I'm used to it! I'm inclined to think that this baby is a boy, but Nate thinks it's a girl, so I guess we'll see- we should find out some time in March, probably.

Madelynn turned two on January 3rd, and we had a small family party for her that evening. My dad was supposed to start another round of chemo that same day, and we weren't sure if he'd be able to make it over, but his white blood cell count was too low so it was postponed for another week. So, he was able to come over and spend time with Madelynn for her birthday. Madelynn had a great birthday, and had a lot of fun opening presents! This year was great, because she actually understood what was going on. She has been obsessed with birthdays- my dad and brother both had birthdays at the end of November and middle of December, so she knew all about what was going on when it was her turn to have a birthday! She loves singing the "Happy Birthday" song and now she thinks that cupcakes mean it's somebody's birthday. She'll go around saying "It's a happy birthday!"

We thought we had things nearly finalized with the short sale of the condo, but it fell through once the inspection revealed an insane amount of dry rot and termite damage underneath the place, which was also causing the deck to pull away from the house and the floorboards to warp. And, the drainspout was installed incorrectly, so water has just been pouring in under the building for who knows how long. I'm pretty upset about this- there's no way this just happened in the past 4 years since I bought the place, but my home inspection seemed to not mention it at all. I doubt the inspector even looked. I wouldn't have bought the place, either, if I had known about all of the problems. It's an HOA issue, so they're now going to have their hands full figuring out how to fix that, because it affects all of the units in the building. So now the place is pretty much unsellable. Hello, foreclosure. I guess I'll get to join that club soon. The one positive in this whole mess is that the place is only in my name since I bought it when I was single, so only my credit will be ruined and Nate's will be fine.

My dad's first course of chemo proved to be ineffective. After two months of chemotherapy every two weeks, a CT scan revealed that the cancer was still exactly where it had been before, and a couple spots were slightly larger. So, he's now on a new course of treatment, which has more severe side effects and generally isn't as effective for most people. I just keep hoping that the bad side effects he's having with the increased nausea, high blood pressure and hair loss also means that it's killing cancer cells, too. We commiserate together about our nausea and food aversions, and we both wear sea bands most of the time for our nausea. But it's definitely easier for me, because I know mine won't last for much longer and has an outcome that makes all of the ickiness worth it. With him, we don't know the outcome, so it's hard to be positive and feel that all of the side effects are worth it.

My cousin's 2 1/2 year old daughter was recently diagnosed with stage 4 cancer as well about a month ago. She's the youngest of 4, and her mother is expecting again in the summer. It's been a really big blow to the family, who has already been having a hard time dealing with my dad's diagnosis, and then to have this sweet, innocent little girl given such a terrible diagnosis as well has been pretty awful. She has neuroblastoma, and it's spread throughout her legs, hips and all the way to her face. It's neuroblastoma, which is a common form of childhood cancer, but right now, her odds are 50% and it is just so hard to be positive. She's only a few months older than Madelynn, and it just makes me sick to think of how much pain this little girl is having to go through and how hard this is for her parents and the rest of the family. Cancer is just one big mean ol' bastard that deserves to have the sh#* beat out of it. I picture it as this giant black blob with fangs and red eyes that I want to blast with a flame thrower.

I always hoped that I would be one of those people who got to go through life relatively unaffected by cancer or other terrible diseases, but have come to realize that this terrible disease is so much more prevalent than I ever imagined, and virtually everyone is going to be affected by it at some point during their lifetime. It's like the bubonic plague of our time.

Well I don't want to end this post on a depressing note, so I will add one more positive. Nate is planning on graduating this Spring, hurray! Nate is looking forward to being done with classes, and so am I! When you're a student, you never get a break, and he's been in school for a long time- he deserves to be able to come home and relax, rather than read and write papers and take mindless quizzes.